How is it that a man can have three naturally occurring different colors of hair on his head? Is this normal?

And I’m not talking about one of those colors being gray, or those colors occurring simply as his “hair” which some of you have covering the pate of your skull.

No, no. Between the tip of my head and my chin I have sandy blonde (ringed crown of my otherwise balding head), red (beard), and nearly invisible platinum (eyebrows). What the hell is up with that?

I looked online, and the only thing I found besides “How do you dye your hair three colors” was an unfortunate article about “Broken color cavies,” some sort of tri-colored guinea pig. Seriously?

And if you take into account my prodigious dark brown torso hair I appear to be a hirsute quad-colored freak.

Then I do have some interspersed gray, and one crazy white hair that springs from my beard, but I’m not so much concerned about those, as everyone eventually gets those mixed up within their hair.

My problem is the compartmentalized nature of it. Not only do the drapes not match the rug, but they also don’t match curtains, the sofa, the afghan or the two throw pillows in the basement. My body essentially looks like my college junior apartment. Although that apartment also had a groundhog living underneath the sidewalk, and my sidewalk these days is pretty barren. I don’t know what that means.

None-the-less, in the brief quiet hours of my days and in that twilight space between dozing and sleep, this is the kind of shit that I think about.

I remember once, after I was discussing my love for Chaucer to my paternal grandfather, he turned to my father and said, “That boy ain’t right in the head.” I think what he meant to say was, “That boy ain’t right on the head.”

He had a beautiful thick shock of white hair and I was balding by twenty. So…

Anyway, there it is.

I don’t know what that means either.

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