There are so many things that I was sure I would not experience. Having a kid changed that. Now everything is up for grabs.

There was a time when I could walk around and be sure that I wasn’t trailing the faint smell of urine. No more.

But one recent experience came totally from the pale of disbelief.

I went in to his room one morning to pull him from his crib and get him ready for the day. The room was particularly oppressive with that general baby poostank. He was happily standing in his little chosen crib corner, elbows on the rails, merrily burbling convincingly about something.

We had our usual brief good morning conversation (he was probably 15 months old, so he was speaking way over my head — I nodded a lot). Then I went to lift him from the crib and move him to the changing table. When I set him on the changing table I felt a strange coolness on my arm.

I did what I usually do in those instances: I pulled my forearm to my nose to smell it.

It was dark in the room. I miscalculated the distance, and my forearm bounced against my upper lip.

I have a mustache.

I accidentally ground some very loose and quite unpleasant baby poo into my mustache. In essence, I gave myself a dirty sanchez.

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would have occasion to say that phrase: “I gave myself a dirty sanchez.”

It was so surprising that I googled the phrase “I gave myself a dirty sanchez” because, seriously, who before me would have such an occasion.

Thirty-five people, apparently. The quoted phrase “I gave myself a dirty sanchez” garnered thirty-five hits on Google. Granted, not one involved that same sort of incident with a father and his baby — most were of either a sexual or frat prank origin — but thirty-five?

I nearly had to shave. The smell finally started to dissipate after the fifth mustache shampooing.

I guess I have to be prepared for any eventuality now, especially with the other kid brewing now.

There may be an accidental or, even worse, emergency upper decker in my future. I hope not. I’m simply not that agile.

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