Periodically I post pieces written for SPT’s The Writers’ Room Series that ended up on the cutting room floor. They are pieces that I like, but, for sundry reasons, didn’t end up in the show for which they were written.

Famous Moments in Couples Counseling:
Biscuits and Gravy

BISCUITS (male) and GRAVY (female) are sitting in couple’s therapy. They both have Southern accents.

Therapist
Well, since this is our first meeting, why don’t you tell me a little about each other. Biscuits, why not tell me a little about Gravy.

Biscuit
Well, she’s a saucy little southern girl. A little spicy, warm, comforting. She’s my perfect compliment.

Gravy
Oh, stop it, Bis. You’re just flouering me up.

Biscuit
No, it’s true. I can’t imagine life without you.

Therapist
Gravy.

Gravy
Well, Bis is a little crusty, but once he opens up to you he’s warm and tender. A little flaky, but that’s what I love about him.

Biscuit.
Pshaw.

Therapist
Well, tell me why you’re here today.

They look at each other sheepishly.

Biscuit
Well…

Gravy
Well…

Biscuit
Well, we’ve been together a long time.

Gravy
A long time.

Biscuit
Centuries, actually.

Gravy
We came over from the old country together, you know.

Biscuit
And, while we love each other dearly…

Gravy
So dearly.

Biscuit
We…um…we’re looking to spice things up a bit.

Therapist
Okay.

Gravy
See, he always wants me on top.

Buscuit
She likes things a little…messier that I usually care for.

Gravy
I like it messy, sloppy.

Therapist
I get it. So what you’re looking for is what? A change in the bedroom, or a change of partners?

They look at each other sheepishly.

Together
Bedroom. Partners. Both.

Therapist
I see.

Gravy
Is that bad?

Therapist
Well, it takes a strong relationship to handle that kind of thing. Jealousy can creep in and become a strong and dangerous influence.

Gravy
We’ve talked that through and I think we’re pretty secure in our devotion to each other. We’re really just looking for… for…

Biscuit
Sex.

Therapist
Well, have you thought about possible part—

Gravy
Chuck Fried Steak. I’ve had my eye on him for a while. He’s strong, tough, grissled. I bet he likes it rough and messy.

Biscuit
Frieda Egg.

Gravy
Really? She’s so young.

Biscuit
And bacon.

Gravy
A threesome?

Biscuit
Go big or go home.

Therapist
Okay, then.