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Milton De Wolfe is a shady character. He is the quintessential agent dealing with a dead property.

Whisteria is in her 40s. Can’t be anything but sweet. Perhaps a bit faded or Baby Janish.

MILTON DE WOLFE sits an his desk. There are papers on the desk and an intercom box. He is enthusiastically manipulating a XBox360 controller. The intercom buzzes.

VO: Mr. De Wolfe, Whisteria Goodkind is here to see you.

MILTON DE WOLFE: [Takes a breath, hides the controller. Pushes button] Send her in.

WHISTERIA: [Enters] Milton! [She is disappointed that he doesn't look at her. Sits down worried.]

MILTON DE WOLFE: Thanks for coming in today…

WHISTERIA: Milton, I’ve been trying to see you for the last two months.

MILTON DE WOLFE: I know, I know. It’s been pretty crazy down here…

WHISTERIA: You used to drop everything to see me.


WHISTERIA: And you couldn’t pass me without laying your big, bad hands on me.


WHISTERIA: What happened, Milton?

MILTON DE WOLFE: Look, Whisteria, that was a long, long time ago in place very far away.

WHISTERIA: It wasn’t that long ago you…

MILTON DE WOLFE: We’re going to have to let you go.

WHISTERIA: [Pause] What?

MILTON DE WOLFE: We have to let you go.

WHISTERIA: Where are you letting me go to?

MILTON DE WOLFE: Don’t make this more difficult than…

WHISTERIA: You’re firing me?


WHISTERIA: But I’m the most popular fairy muse of all time!

MILTON DE WOLFE: Look, Whisteria. You’re no Goldilocks anymore.

WHISTERIA: I am Goldilocks! And I’m Gretel and I’m Rapunzel!

MILTON DE WOLFE: Please calm down.

WHISTERIA: And I’m Little Red…and ssss… you…you bad man, I created  your namesake!

MILTON DE WOLFE: That was a long time ago.

WHISTERIA: [Impersonating Milton] “You’re gold, baby, gold!” You said to me. “We just got some research back and it looks like people want to see something more adventurous. Work something up like that,” you said. “And I’d love it if you could find a role for me in it. You and me in the same tale. Imagine. I could just eat you up.” That’s what you said, Milton. “I could just eat you up.”

MILTON DE WOLFE: Listen, baby I told you to expand…

WHISTERIA: I did expand!


WHISTERIA: Do you remember how hard I worked on that whole Pleasant Step-Mother series.

MILTON DE WOLFE: Which bombed.

WHISTERIA: I was a phenom in Saxe-Gotha-Altenburg.

MILTON DE WOLFE: And that country hasn’t existed since 1825. Look no one wanted a Pleasant Step-Mother tale, I told you that.

WHISTERIA: I can change. I can do the Evil Step-mother thing.

MILTON DE WOLFE: We’ve been through this already.

WHISTERIA: [Throughout her Evil Step-Mother segments she sounds like she's speaking to her cute little long-haired Chihuahua.] Grrrr. Grrrr. You’re a bad little boy. I’m gonna just eat you up.

MILTON DE WOLFE: Please stop.

WHISTERIA: Hey there little…little…Samarellda. You need to clean this house better or I’m going to give you a.. a… ham-fisted spanking.

MILTON DE WOLFE: Stop, please.

WHISTERIA: [Breaks down sobbing.]

MILTON DE WOLFE: Look, the industry’s changed, baby. People don’t want the fairy tale any more. There is nothing we can do about it.

WHISTERIA: [Pause. A weep-squeak.] Why don’t people like me anymore? What do they want, Milton?

MILTON DE WOLFE: What do they want. You don’t want to know.

WHISTERIA: Oh, I do, Milton. I do want to know. No matter what the truth is.

MILTON DE WOLFE: Well, do you remember that young muse from Mesopotamia, Marduk.

WHISTERIA: Ohh, yucky he was all…

MILTON DE WOLFE: He’s very popular.

WHISTERIA: Really? What has he done.

MILTON DE WOLFE: Well, one of his early ones was called “Frogger.”

WHISTERIA: Really? With a little princess?

MILTON DE WOLFE: Um, No. The … uh, the frog had to get home crossing traffic and a river with some alligators and …

WHISTERIA: [Looking very concerned.] Did the little frog get home?

MILTON DE WOLFE: Sometimes. People got really involved with it though, Whisteria and it sort of overtook stories as you know them.

WHISTERIA: Oh. What else?

MILTON DE WOLFE: Oh, a little thing called “Halo”. This one spun off a couple of sequels, too.

WHISTERIA: Oh, well, that sounds pleasant. Is it an angel thing? Like a little girl goes out and does good work and becomes a little angel.


WHISTERIA: Well, what is it?

MILTON DE WOLFE: Well, this guy named Master Chief, who is part machine, and he … um … [he shuffles papers] well, he goes around killing people who don’t look like him.

WHISTERIA: Oh… Really?


WHISTERIA: This is what people want?

MILTON DE WOLFE: Well, Halo 3 sold $170 million dollars in the first 24 hours, [Looks to audience and pitchmans it ] available at GameStop and other local game dealers.

WHISTERIA: [Dejected] Oh… What else?

MILTON DE WOLFE: Well … He has this one about a girl…


MILTON DE WOLFE: … named Laura Croft.

WHISTERIA: Lovely! With a step-mother?

MILTON DE WOLFE: Not really. She breaks into tombs, kills things and steals priceless artifacts.

WHISTERIA: Oh… Popular?

MILTON DE WOLFE: Very. And there was this early one called “Crazy Taxi” where people drive really fast and hit things with their car.

WHISTERIA: Okay. I suppose they kill people too.

MILTON DE WOLFE: Well, they run them over sometimes.

WHISTERIA: Okay. I can do this.


WHISTERIA: I can do this. I can become a…I don’t know what you call it…a killer-person muse.


WHISTERIA: Okay. Okay. I’ve got it.


WHISTERIA: Okay. So I just throw everything together, right? Let’s say, let’s say…


WHISTERIA: Let’s say we do a tale where someone just goes around stealing cars and…and running people over…and…and killing people.


WHISTERIA: And we can call it, we’ll call it…


WHISTERIA: We’ll call it “Stealing Cars…Against the Laws of the Government”!


WHISTERIA: [She stands excited] And there are Step-mothers who, who tell them who to kill and what cars to steal.


WHISTERIA: And a wolf, Milton. Maybe the person who is stealing cars is a big, bad wolf!


WHISTERIA: [Triumphantly] I’m back, Milton! I’m going to muse-up someone to write this tale! You’ll see! You’ll see!

MILTON DE WOLFE: [Defeated] Babe…

WHISTERIA: Thanks for the second chance, Milton. You won’t regret it. What a grand idea! Grand! [She exits]

MILTON DE WOLFE: [Shakes head. Music for SuperMario begins playing. He takes out cell phone, opens it. Music stops.] Milton De Wolfe. Mario, baby, what’s up.

Lights out.

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